Can you define happiness for you? What does it mean? What would it look like if you were “happy?” Next, how might joy be different? How do you define joy? What does it take for us to experience true joy? Joy is the sense that lives within us that is not determined by circumstances. It is not contingent upon how our career may or may not be progressing, our current relationship status, nor how many followers our social media profiles contain. Joy can be found in serving others, in giving, even in sacrifice. Such characteristics are what distinguish joy from happiness. Happiness, conversely, is directly dependent upon what is or is not happening around us. More pointedly, what goes on around us sets the course for what goes on within us. Happiness is commonly linked to well-being.

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.” Woven into the United States’ Declaration of Independence is the unalienable right to pursue happiness. In an information-age, where anything we could ever want to know is accessible with the click of a button, most people are not on a quest for truth. They are instead on a quest for happiness. In this modern age, truth is determined by the individual, morality is self-determined, and people (citing the Book of Judges) “do what is right in their own eyes.” In a very real sense, feelings are the GPS of the lives of many people. Yet, a cursory statistical analysis would reveal that people, at large, are sadder, more depressed, lonelier, than ever before. With this in mind, one of the most dangerous words in the English language is the word “should.” I should be married by now. I should have more money. I should have been chosen for the promotion over my equally-qualified co-worker. I should be living in a better house. I should be happier. If we are not careful, we can even find ourselves held captive to someone else’s should for our life.

If I were you, I’d probably keep scrolling. Reading this will be a waste of time, there’s nothing to see here. This is just a page filled with “not good enough” words from a “not good enough” writer. She has nothing to –Thanks Shadow, I’ll take it from here.

Meet Shadow, the inner voice in me that lives to criticize my entire being. She is a black cloud that follows me around ensuring to whisper things in my ear to make me feel less than, not good enough, and full of failure. Some of her most popular phrases are: “you should have…”, “well, that was stupid”, “why would you say that”, “here you go again making a fool of yourself”, “just stay quiet and let someone else do it”, “really, what do you have to offer”. Shadow is my inner critic, and she has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember, overpowering my every thought.

I would like to introduce you to a friend of mine, her name is Worry. Worry joined my life at a young age. It feels so long ago that it has been hard to remember how and when we first met. However, I can say that she has been by my side through thick and thin, the laughs, the tears, the good, the bad, and the ugly. She really had a way with words, which made it easy to believe everything she said. She always told me that when I got control of things, everything would be okay, but in all honesty, that wasn’t always true. I was left feeling worked up or I dwelled on those things that I could not control. When things didn’t work out, I would be left to assume that I didn’t do everything that I could. Worry thought that I could use some encouragement, so she introduced me to her good friend Perfectionism. Perfectionism made herself quite comfortable, really fast. Before I knew it, she was hanging around us all the time.

Do you remember the first time you felt like a fraud? Perhaps it was when you accepted the promotion that elevated your career to the executive level. It could have come with the realization that you had met the love of your life and were ready to move toward marriage. The feeling may even flare up with each post you make as a social media influencer. Regardless of the circumstances, it is safe to say that at some point or another we have all felt the sense that the world around us is clueless to how unqualified we really are when it comes to leading, loving, and living well. We all deal with an inner imposter. To be fair, if we are to experience any true level of growth or advancement personally or professionally, it is required that we step into roles and spaces that may initially feel too big for us to fill.

A long time Director at Champion Counseling Center, Dr. Kenneth Polite, used to tell new therapists that they are Process Experts and not Content Experts. This statement helped me articulate what we do as therapists. People usually come to counseling expecting advice or suggestions on how to live their lives. They share their story and ask “what shall I do?”.

Imagine preparing and training for a half marathon. You are physically fit, healthy, and running up to 6 miles a day. In the blink of an eye, you are paralyzed, unable to feed yourself. Completely helpless. This was my story in 2012 when I went in for what was supposed to be an outpatient procedure for pain management that ultimately changed my life.

In an instant I couldn’t feel my arms. I tried to speak, but my words would not form. After a week in the hospital and going through various tests, brain scans, EKGs, MRI’s and every other test imaginable, the neurologist finally discovered that my spinal cord had been punctured and resulting in significant nerve damage.

Are you at odds with someone in your life: A family member, a friend, a co-worker? That person has done something to you, and you just don’t seem to be able to forgive them for what they did. Every time you are in their presence there is a heaviness in the air, and you feel uncomfortable. Well, I want to let you know that if you forgive them for what they did you will feel a freedom and peace that you weren’t able to feel before.

I was at odds with my father from the age of 17 to 21. He put me out when I was in my senior year of high school for trying to protect my mom from his abusive behavior. I had to live with friends and family until I graduated from high school and went to college.

Many of us have the misconception that children, especially those under the age of 12, do not face mental health challenges. However, the years between 0-12 are pivotal in a child’s life and development. It is important to think about the impact of their increasing access to social media, racial awareness, peer relationships, and daily challenges faced at school. Developmentally, we must remind ourselves that our children are building their sense of self during this time. A significant portion of how they begin to define themselves happens in their daily interactions with peers and their experiences at school. Based on their interactions, a child will begin to categorize themselves as successful, popular, smart, not smart, attractive, unattractive, not worthy of fitting into certain friend groups, etc. In response they may begin to develop lifelong beliefs about themselves.

I do not consider myself a “morbid person” nor am I one who is fascinated with the afterlife. Yes, I consider myself a Christian and I believe there is a Heaven; however, knowing that I will see my loved ones who are also believers again someday after they pass away is not something that I consider to be comforting. In short, I am one who dreads, has serious anxiety, and catastrophizes everything if I even think someone may be closer to transitioning than I am comfortable with.

…Well, I used to be that person until recently.

A few years ago, I lost one of my cousins to cancer. She was 36 and had just passed the California Bar Exam, and to say she was a fighter is an understatement. She had to do chemotherapy while she was completing her Juris Doctorate, and somehow still managed to finish her degree program on time with no breaks.

To put it lightly, I’m a people pleaser. For as long as I can remember, I’ve worked hard to not disappoint others and live up to what I assume their expectations are for me. Here’s an example: In third grade I joined a softball team. It was pretty good for a bunch of third graders, but my skills weren’t up to par. When I was up to bat, I would try to swing twice–but if I missed, I would purposely step into the plate to get hit by the ball so I could walk to first base. The amount of bruises I had that year was unreal, but I would rather take the physical pain than have my coach and teammates disappointed in me. I look back at this story with humor, but it speaks to a larger narrative of my life, taking bruises willingly to avoid disappointment.

To put it lightly, I’m a people pleaser. For as long as I can remember, I’ve worked hard to not disappoint others and live up to what I assume their expectations are for me. Here’s an example: In third grade I joined a softball team. It was pretty good for a bunch of third graders, but my skills weren’t up to par. When I was up to bat, I would try to swing twice–but if I missed, I would purposely step into the plate to get hit by the ball so I could walk to first base. The amount of bruises I had that year was unreal, but I would rather take the physical pain than have my coach and teammates disappointed in me. I look back at this story with humor, but it speaks to a larger narrative of my life, taking bruises willingly to avoid disappointment.