Children Hurt Too

Many of us have the misconception that children, especially those under the age of 12, do not face mental health challenges. However, the years between 0-12 are pivotal in a child’s life and development. It is important to think about the impact of their increasing access to social media, racial awareness, peer relationships, and daily challenges faced at school. Developmentally, we must remind ourselves that our children are building their sense of self during this time. A significant portion of how they begin to define themselves happens in their daily interactions with peers and their experiences at school. Based on their interactions, a child will begin to categorize themselves as successful, popular, smart, not smart, attractive, unattractive, not worthy of fitting into certain friend groups, etc. In response they may begin to develop lifelong beliefs about themselves. Some of these beliefs may lead to unpleasant thoughts and feelings such as, sadness, rejection, hurt, disappointment, and if bullying is involved, embarrassment, just to name a few. As an educator, doctoral candidate in Applied Clinical Psychology, and mentor to youth of color, I have witnessed and understand the impact from both an educational and mental health perspective. My message to parents, guardians, and caretakers in our community is not to take our children’s words lightly. Often, we may take their use of phrases such as “I feel depressed,” “I am feeling anxious,” or “I am feeling sad all the time” casually. However, if we take a little time to understand the experiences that lead to those feelings, we may see the importance and seriousness of what they are sharing. Thereby, shifting our perspective and the way we respond to their cries for support.

As our awareness of the importance of mental wellness continues to increase over time, it is important for us to think about our children and their experiences. Sometimes, we may not know how to respond when our children share “big” unpleasant thoughts and feelings…and that is okay! When addressing such conversations with our youth, remember this acronym I created just for you, L. E. A. D.

(L) Listen without judgment,

(E) Empathize,

(A) Affirm,

(D) Determine the next best steps together.

 When your child expresses to you that they are dealing with emotional difficulties or mental health challenges, take a moment to sit with them and ask them what is going on in their world. We must remember that our experiences and perceptions are completely different from theirs, so if we take a moment to listen to them, without judgment and without minimizing their experience, we give ourselves time to increase our connection to them. That connection to their experiences can lead to an increased possibility of understanding.  Increased understanding could lead to them no longer feeling as if they are alone, which leads to the affirmation and validation of their feelings. After connecting with their experience, take a moment to discuss the best next steps for them. Next steps can include a range of options such as consulting with a counselor or therapist, gaining more insight from their teachers and school administration, or coaching them on ways to navigate conflict safely.

Although we were all children once upon a time, it is important to remind ourselves that our experiences are unique. The purpose of this blog post is to encourage you to increase your awareness of your child’s inner experiences and to promote space for more  honest conversations between you two. This week, take a little time to check in with your child and ask them how they are really doing.

Ebonie Smith, M.A., is a Doctoral Candidate at The Chicago School of Professional Psychology and the  Founder and Executive Director WE ARE R.I.S.E. Inc.