Forgiveness Will Free You

Are you at odds with someone in your life: A family member, a friend, a co-worker? That person has done something to you, and you just don’t seem to be able to forgive them for what they did. Every time you are in their presence there is a heaviness in the air, and you feel uncomfortable. Well, I want to let you know that if you forgive them for what they did you will feel a freedom and peace that you weren’t able to feel before.

I was at odds with my father from the age of 17 to 21. He put me out when I was in my senior year of high school for trying to protect my mom from his abusive behavior. I had to live with friends and family until I graduated from high school and went to college. I was so hurt that I did not want him to come to my graduation, where I received several awards and graduated number 3 in a class of over 800 students. It was something that I was proud of, and I always wanted him to be proud of my academic accomplishments. But I could not forgive him for what he had done, even though he told my mom to tell me to come home. I didn’t want to see him or talk to him, let alone live in the same house with him. I did not want him to see me graduate.

After my daughter was born, he wanted to to see her and spend time with her. I found myself second guessing my feelings that I had for him. I was still holding on to the bitterness that I felt for what he had done. I had great grandparents and always enjoyed the time that I spent with them. I did not want to deprive my daughter of possibly having that same kind of experiences. I had to pray and ask God to help me forgive him and remove the ill feelings that I had for him. God answered my prayers and became open to beginning the process of forgiveness.

1. The Stanford forgiveness project identified 9 steps to help with the process of forgiveness.

First, be aware of your feelings: Know exactly how you feel about what happened; be able to articulate what, in particular, was not OK about the situation in which you feel you were wronged. Tell a few trusted people about your experience.

2. Know that forgiveness is for your own sake: Make a commitment to yourself to do what you have to do to feel better. Forgiveness is for you, not for anyone else.
3. Do not expect reconciliation: Forgiveness does not necessarily mean reconciliation with the person who hurt you, or condoning of their action. What you’re looking for is a sense of peace and closure.
4. Recognize how the event is affecting you in the present: Recognize that your primary distress is coming from hurt feelings, thoughts and physical upset you are suffering now, not what offended or deeply hurt you two minutes—or 10 years—ago. Forgiveness helps to heal those hurt feelings.
5. Learn to activate the relaxation response: At the moment you feel upset, practice a simple stress management technique of deep breathing to soothe your body’s flight or fight response. Focus on your breathing and try to bring your mind back to a peaceful state.
6. Concentrate on what you can control: Give up expecting things from other people that they do not choose to give you. Remember that you can only control your own thoughts and actions, not anyone else’s.
7. Move on: Instead of mentally replaying your hurt over and over, stop ruminating and seek out new friends and new situations that can give you positive situations instead.
8. Be the agent of change in your life: Remember that a life well lived is the best revenge. Instead of focusing on your wounded feelings, and thereby giving power to the person who hurt you, learn to look for the love, beauty and kindness around you.
9. Change the story: Amend your grievance story with a new ending: Your heroic choice to forgive.

I can’t begin to tell you how much better I felt and how much lighter the atmosphere was in my house. That bitterness I was feeling was weighing on me and keeping me from receiving some of the blessings that God had for me.

So, if there is someone that you are at odds with, I encourage you to ask God to help you to begin the process of  forgiveness so that you can feel the kind of freedom and peace I had after I forgave my father.

Ms. Charline Stanley is executive administrative assistant at Champion Counseling Center and the founder of Seams by Char.