Do You Should All Over Your Self?
By J. Patrick Wise
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.” Woven into the United States’ Declaration of Independence is the unalienable right to pursue happiness. In an information-age, where anything we could ever want to know is accessible with the click of a button, most people are not on a quest for truth. They are instead on a quest for happiness. In this modern age, truth is determined by the individual, morality is self-determined, and people (citing the Book of Judges) “do what is right in their own eyes.” In a very real sense, feelings are the GPS of the lives of many people. Yet, a cursory statistical analysis would reveal that people, at large, are sadder, more depressed, lonelier, than ever before. With this in mind, one of the most dangerous words in the English language is the word “should.” I should be married by now. I should have more money. I should have been chosen for the promotion over my equally-qualified co-worker. I should be living in a better house. I should be happier. If we are not careful, we can even find ourselves held captive to someone else’s should for our life. Here it is important to acknowledge that should carries with it a unique relationship between entitlement and expectation that can result in disappointment. Disappointment is described as the difference between what we expect and what we actually experience. What disappointments are you dealing with because things did not turn out the way that they should have? Sometimes, it seems that the farthest distance in the world is between how we thought life would go and how it actually turned out.
So what hope is there for someone experiencing the depths of disappointment who looks to set their life on a more positive course? Rather than completely changing course to focus on happiness, let us set our attention on another concept that brings with it both balance and satisfaction. The word is contentment. In describing contentment, it is helpful to understand what contentment is not. Contentment is not complacency. Contentment is not indifference or apathy. Contentment is not adopting the life view “whatever will be, will be” nor is it turning over your life into the “hands of fate.” Instead, contentment is the place of peace that exists between what has been and what is to come. Contentment holds that where we are now is not where we will be in the future, which in turn allows us to look ahead with eager anticipation. In other words, hope in the future is power in the present. Contentment is a learned skill; acquired only through navigating the ups and downs of life. Contentment puts the peaks and valleys of life in their proper perspective — the highs of life will not lead us to a mirage of ecstasy, nor will the lows of life take us into the pit of depression. When our perspective is balanced, we steward our minds and bodies better and others experience us with a greater level of consistency (and trust, consequently). One way in which we can all grow in our level of contentment is by being mindful of how often we fall into the trap of comparison. It has been said that comparison is the thief of joy. Comparison will also rob us of contentment. We compare the “behind-the-scenes” of our life with the “highlight reel” of someone else’s life and, in so doing, architect our own despair. The self-control related to contentment helps us to manage our minds by being intentional about who and what we focus on.
Here are two more practical considerations to help develop contentment in your life:
- Count your blessings. Of course you have dreams, a vision board, and a growing Pinterest wall. Oftentimes, we can become so focused on the future that we are oblivious to amazing moments that are happening before our eyes. Can you express gratitude for where you are right now? Make a list of five things you are grateful to know or have. Who in your life are you thankful for today? Send them a text expressing your appreciation.
- Challenge your cravings. Our lack of contentment is often the result of a poor relationship with our cravings. Where do your cravings come from? What are you drawn to when you feel empty inside? A craving and a need are not the same thing, even though it may feel like it. You do not need everything that you crave.
- Note patterns of discontentment. Our sadness, frustration, or discontentment can be tied to seasons of the year, for instance. By detecting patterns, you can be on guard to better protect your peace.